My Tendencies

God damn it! I've done it again!
More explanations. No more excuses
So forget everything I said in my last post. I was so full of shit.

On October 16, 2009, my best friend and the boy I was in love with, took his own life. I am devastated and angry. Crazy amounts of angry. Angry because he wouldn't let me love him. He had discovered that he was gay sometime after I had told him I loved him. Angry because he took himself from me. Angry because of the people who ask me everyday "Are you okay?" That is now the most stupid question in the entire world. No. I am not okay. I am mostly angry because around July 15th of this summer past summer when I decided that I was healthy and that I didn't need ana. I understand perfectly well that I have come back because of the depression and sorrow that consumes my very being, but I have never had such understanding and support anywhere else. Yes I love you girls. So much. I'm sorry I keep dropping this reponsibility.

Lets observe my triggers shall we?
There was a party held by his mother on the 19th. There was shit loads of food and to your surprise I did not eat any of it. I was disgustd by the people who shoved their faces. When I could hardly stand to be in the same room as that slimy gross pizza.

When I had stopped eating and my friends had noticed because I was not hiding it and told my mother I had happily shoved the various Mexican concoctions of beans and cheese in my face.

Went to a bonfire the other day. A really hot guy told me he had a phobia of fat people.

Yesterday I consumed.

Five cheese crisps

A whole carton of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream

Ten various pieces of chocolate. Both form the devil of Hershey and Nestle.

And one bear. Not nearly as satisfying as Vodka.

I am a fat lard at 151.8. I will not be sad in public anymore. I will place it all here. I will no longer be mad at him. I will live my life twice as full and dedicate it to him. I am applying to study abroad in either Ireland, England, Australia, or South Africa. I am leaning more towards England and Ireland just because I want to experience climate with actual seasons.

R.I.P.

Silently Suffer for Beauty
~ Grace

Sorry My Ana

I have been bad and not sharing with my sisters. I know, I know. I don't desrve your help girls for leaving our lovely Ana for so long, but I need your help and encouragement again. On October 1oth I have a meeting that has the ability to change my life forever. I need to lose as much weight a possible in a twenty days. My average weight lose per day is 1.2 lbs if I lose that much per day the least I could weigh would be 125. I will make it. This is my short term goal. All of October is pretty much booked for me, on the weekend of the 10th I have two possible meetings.

One is a meeting my agency set up for me in LA with a huge management frim is supposed to make me a star. I want it so bad. I have been an actor for years and a singer. They say they welcome all sizes but this is false. I know it to be. I will be getting my braces off three hours before I get on the plane to California. The crazy timing.

If for some reason my meeting doesn't happen, Yale has invitd me to a conference this weekend for future prospects. This meeting is very exclusive and the Yale Alumni give out the amazing golden tickets. If I go, it is as good as early decision with full ride if I don't and become a Hollywood starlet, Yale would want me for the money and the name.

Help me Lovelies?

Silently Suffer for Beauty

~ Grace

Hello Ladies

I'm back... miss me?

Yesterday

I went shopping. Most of the time I didn't feel disgusting. I am starting to lose weight again, which is amazing! I have been plateauing a lot lately. My newest thinsporation has to be the American Apparel models, their osdies are weird and awkward. I just love it!

Silently Suffering for Beauty
~ Grace

Witches?

My friend sent me this link to a brand new blog, not anything ana but if you like new things check it out!
http://billy-theteenagewitch.blogspot.com/
Like a real life Sabrina! Sweeeeeet.

On an ana note. I am starting to regain my control again. Always a good sign!

Silently Suffering for Beauty
~ Grace

Crunch Snap

Pickles: The undiscovered diet food. Amazing in every way.
Silently Suffer for Beauty
~ Grace

Question of the Day

The other day I was at my childhood best friend's house, Meg. So I was taking notes on her like I always do with people. She has no collar bones, flabby stomach, wide hips, and a broad back. Yet she is a size one. Then I was going through her closet like I always do tryng on her clothes apparently I can wear threes and ones depending on the brand. Even though it is awesome that I can wear these sizes I seem to rather want to wear my old 9's because there is not fat overhang. So the question is no fat over hang? Or the satisfaction of a gal pal asking what size are you wearing and smugly replying one?Hmmmmm.

I feel bad for Meg, she is the older sibling with the more attractive little sister. Her sister, Tess, is 94 lbs and gorgeous. Theyboth have reallt pretty strawberry blonde hair but Tess' is shinier, Tess is curvier, and has a really cute round face. Meg, would be considered pretty at a party that is unless Tess walked in. It's funny though, I've known Tess since she was 5 and Meg since we were 7. Tess was a little tomboy who when se was 8 asked me for help to dress like a girl because she had her first crush. They grow up so fast *sobsob*!
Silently Suffer for Beauty
~ Grace